Thursday, 24 January 2013

Labour Call for Inquiry into Allegations that Someone was Rude about Member of Parliament

Whilst everyone was busily watching and listening to David Cameron talking about Europe yesterday, Labour MP Mr Stephen Twigg, shadow education spokesman, was busy demanding an inquiry into allegations that someone in the Education department said some nasty, hurtful things about a Conservative Member of Parliament.

N.B. This detailed report follows a Telegraph article which highlighted this event.

Mr Twigg was unexpectedly catapulted into Westminster politics way back in 1997 when on the night of the Labour GE landslide he became the lucky and visibly stunned recipient of a seat in the House of Commons when Michael Portillo lost his Enfield Southgate seat in the South of England. Twigg lost the seat in 2005 and was shortly afterward arrested for drunkenness and charged with being drunk and incapable in a public place (I am not making this up!) a conviction which he bizzarely welcomed, congratulating the police on 'acting sensibly' when they arrested him.

Without a flicker of irony Twigg then went on to join an organisation called, 'Progress'.

In 2010 Twigg then escaped his past and moved north to Labour heartlands where he again miraculously managed to claw his way back into Parliament as MP for Liverpool West Derby and has since been given the hopeless task of opposing Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education.

The incident that provoked another bizarre reaction from the eractic Mr Twigg yesterday was as follows:

Another MP, Mr Tim Loughton (Conservative) sadly lost his job in the education department in the recent reshuffle. Poor Mr Loughton was a bit peeved and unwisely made some unkind comments about some of his previous colleagues one of whom retorted that Tim was a bit lazy, a charge which this blog understands, is not widely supported.

Mr Twigg immediately leapt to poor Lazy Loughton's (sorry Mr Loughton's) defence demanding not simply an apology but by publicly calling for a full official government inquiry into allegations of nasty rudeness against poor Timmy.

Mr Edward Miliband (Labour Leader) finally caught up with Mr Twigg late yesterday afternoon when he was called to assist and found him slumped in the corner of a Westminster Public House toilet with his arms draped around a ceramic urinal sluring his own inimitable version of the Teddy Bear's Picnic song 'If you go down to the woods today..'

It is said that Mr Miliband spent some considerable time with Mr Twigg speaking in a calm voice and reminding him that everyone is rude to Members of Parliament, most of them doing it on an unpaid basis. He gently explained to Mr Twigg, as Twigg stared vacantly into space with a slow stream of dribble descending onto his shirt, that he is specifically paid by the taxpayer to be rude about other Members of Parliament, particularly those from the Conservative Party and really shouldn't be calling for expensive inquiries into the matter of others helping to do what he is paid for, and should be doing himself.

Unfortunately, as the shocking reality of his error suddenly dawned on him, Twigg staggered violently to his feet and with arms flailing sent a hapless Mr Miliband stumbling to the slippery wet surface of the floor, causing the Labour Leader to sustain minor unspecified injuries.

Following the incident, Mr Miliband was quick to defend Mr Twigg saying that his injuries were 'not the fault' of Mr Twigg but were instead an unfortunate consequence of the slippery floor tiles in the room in which they were conducting 'detailed political discussions'.

It is understood that the Labour Party has now called for an inquiry into substandard tiling arrangements in public house toilets and has demanded that the Prime Minister lobby for changes to EU Directive No 54333 Subsection 712B on appropriate European toilet floor coverings in his forthcoming EU re-negotiations.

N.B. The last five paragraphs above are fiction for your amusement. The rest is astonishingly, entirely true.


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