Friday, 12 March 2010

A Letter to Big Brother

Just got a congestion charge notice today, so respond thus:

Congestion Charging
PO Box 4783
BN11 9PT

10th March, 2010

Dear Sirs,

Please accept my cheque against charging notice TF31098080.

I have never committed a really decent crime before. No cat-buglary, drugs-dealing, prostitution rackets or international diamond-fencing operations (not sure if that one even exists) or even properly planned to rob a bank, so you can imagine my sheer unadulterated joy when your envelope dropped onto my mat.

Finally, I thought. I have achieved a thing I have always desired but never taken the time to achieve – a proper crime of my very own and for no more than an inadvertent act of driving my car down a seemingly innocuous London Street.  I hadn’t even noticed I was, as I now gather the fraternity say, ‘In the Zone’.

You have made me very happy, and I hope a little of my good-cheer rubs off on you today. I hope that Big Brother smiles a happy smile of achievement.

The £60 pound payment is most reasonable for the accolade. What do I need for an ASBO? (I gather they are very popular for status) or perhaps I should aim higher and look for a Deportation Order (although where to go..and who would feed the cat..?).

You have galvanised and inspired me. I shall order a small inscribed silver cup to celebrate my unexpected luck, and to display in pride of place to all my friends at future tea-parties.

Kindest and warmest regards,

Robin Horsley

P.S. Before I go, this novice must just seek your advice (as you deal with so many of us) - I am thinking of inflicting myself with a small scar down my left cheek (face) and wearing a long coat (obviously never putting my arms in the sleeves). Do you feel this will enhance my new criminal image or do you feel it would be too louche?


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